I’ve decided to use this book as a diary, only I’m not going to write everyday, I’m just going to write down what I’m feeling and what has happened whether it happened on that day or not.
It’s hard to know where to start. I mean it’s a new year and a very important one at that – my GCSE year. If that wasn’t enough to worry about I’ve also got to worry about my love life. OK so I’ve got a boyfriend, but I’ve only seen him three times since I’ve been going out with him. I know that can’t be helped, he had to go away for Christmas, but I haven’t seen him for two weeks. I phoned him 5 days ago and he hasn’t phoned since and I haven’t a clue when he’s coming back. I miss him so much. Sometimes it’s so bad I can’t get to sleep at night, which makes it even more frustrating. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have sex with him, but at the moment I don’t feel he is the one that I want to lose my virginity to. I want the first time to be perfect and I’m sure I’ll know when the right person comes along. To tell you the truth I’m scared sick just thinking about having sex. I mean I can’t even insert a tampon so I’m sure it would hurt and I can’t understand how you can experience pain and pleasure at the same time. I suppose that’s another sign that I’m not ready for sex yet. I’ll just wait. There’s no harm in that.
My other worry is Sheila. Her new year’s resolution is to lose her virginity. I suppose it’s already obvious what I think about this. I knew she wanted to lose it before she turns 16, but it’s like she only wants to lose it to find out what it feels like, but I don’t consider that to be a strong enough reason. This weekend when she went to stay with Gulliver she phoned me up and told me they’d slept together. You wouldn’t believe how shocked I was, but it turned out they hadn’t had sex, they had just literally slept together.
I think maybe I’m just jealous of her. I mean everything seems perfect for her. She’s got a steady (and I mean steady) boyfriend, she’s given a lot of privacy and is allowed Gulliver up in her room whilst in her night clothes, in fact her mum even offered to go out and buy her some contraceptives. My life seems to be one complete major hassle compared to hers. Anyway, there’s no point getting all depressed over it, I’m past that now. There’s no way I’m going to slit my wrists again, the pain is too much and I was lucky Mum let it lie last time. Anyway, I’ve still got the scars as a constant reminder. I hope they go away. I couldn’t bear for them to stay there for the rest of my life.
This is such a revealing start to this diary. I hope no one reads it. This one hasn’t got a lock. I only ever want people to read this when I’m grown up, so I can look back at it and laugh with my friends, to give to my children when they reach the same age so that they can understand the things they are going through, or once I’m dead so that people can find it and remember me for what I’m really like. No one really knows the real me. Someone once called me a dark horse and I suppose that’s true. I find it better that way. Keep it to yourself and then you don’t need to worry that the wrong people will find out.
The next instalment of my 1995 teenage diary is coming soon…
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Becky Stafferton is a full time blogger over on her website The Art of Healthy Living, mum of 2 and certified Queen of the hashtags. She continually strives to promote a realistic, sustainable and positive image of how to lead a healthy life. When she’s not writing or reading her teenage diary she can be found swigging Prosecco from the bottle, running through muddy puddles, making lists of lists, having a good old moan, scoffing flapjacks and squatting like her life depends on it.